Waffles are Evil
by diamondmaster
Summary: This makes no sense whatsoever. Each chapter is made from my mind late at night, so it is pretty bad... You can read the chapters in whatever order you want. They don't have anything to do with each other. I won't update this every day.
1. Waffle's Are Evil

Naruto stepped out of is front door and into the streets of the Leaf Village. What a glorious day. The sun was shining.

Suddenly Sasuke appeared out of nowhere, carrying a giant barrel on his back. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, his curse mark had extended throughout his body(he looked like a motorcycle dude), and his sharingan was visible. Naruto was surprised at first at Sasuke's apparent intention to destroy him, but Uchiha just grabbed him by his shirt and started shaking him violently.

"DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?!" Sasuke screamed.

"Umm... Well, I know there's probably a guy who sells muffins at the m-"

"DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?!"

"I- ah- no!"

This appeared to make Sasuke angry and he began to build up chidori in his hand. He then lunged at Naruto, who dodged the attack. The chidori went straight into Gaara, who just happened to be standing there.

Gaara was looking at Sasuke underneath a charred, blackened face. "LOVE ME!" he demanded, tackling Sasuke with extreme hugging force.

"Uhh..." Sasuke threw Gaara(who was in a haze of 'love') into a nearby vegetable stand. His curse mark resided and his eyes grew normal.

"Sasuke, are you okay?" Naruto asked.

"Couldn't be better."

"What's in the barrel?"

"YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT BARREL?! IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL! IT'S JUST A POOR LITTLE BARREL; IT NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HURT ANYONE!"

Naruto pulled a O_O.

"Naruto, your hair is so pretty," Sasuke cooed, petting the boy's yellow hair.

"Uh.. Thanks... I guess?" Naruto turned red.

"You're my lemon pie!"

"What?!"

Suddenly a voice came from the barrel. "Come on, Sasuke... What're you doing?" A long tongue seemed to slither out of the barrel and wrap around parts of Sasuke's face, then retreat into the barrel again.(Uh-huh. That barrel never hurt ANYONE.)

Sasuke whimpered. *cough* "Got to go Naruto... I have some," *cough* ,"stuff to do.." *cough cough* And so Sasuke walked away.

Oh no, a raucous behind Naruto.

"STOP! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

"Come on Tobi, it's okay!" Deidara was saying, acting as if he were coaxing a little puppy to come out from hiding. He had a waffle on a fork and he waving it in front of Tobi.

"But-but-but-"

"No buts! Just eat!"

"BUT THEY ARE EVIL!"

*Deidara facepalm* "Tobi, it's just a little waffle..."

Tobi began making shrieking sounds. "Nooooooooooooooo!" he wailed, running down the street with flailing arms.

Sigh.

Kisame was tripping over foxes.


	2. Itachi's Day

"Naaa-ruuuu-toooo..." Itachi was moaning. He was tired of waiting.

"I said I'm almost finished!" Naruto barked from behind a shade that was painted with bright sakura blossoms.

Itachi whined some more. Moments passed.

"All done!" Naruto declared, stepping out from behind the shade. He wasn't in sexy no jutsu, but he was done up to look exactly like Princess Peach. He blushed. "How do I look?"

"Perfect," Itachi murmured in a sinister voice. "Come now." He led Naruto over to a large bush where he crouched down(indicating for Naruto to do the same) and looked through the branches to see Sasuke practicing his taijutsu on some trees.

"I don't get it," Naruto whispered. "What has this got to do with anything?"

"Kiss me," Itachi hissed.

"What?!" Naruto's eyes were huge, but he managed not to scream. "Where?"

"Uh... Neck?"

"But I don't wanna!" Naruto protested.

"Just do it or I'll kill you." Itachi glowered at him.

"Fine, fine!" Naruto began to kiss Itachi on the neck, and the two fell backwards. It was horrible for both of them. Itachi then stuck his foot out of the bush on purpose. This obviously drew Sasuke to them.

When Sasuke looked behind the bush... Words cannot describe. "NARUTO! ITACHI!" he screeched at the top of his lungs. He built up his chidori and leapt at them. Luckily it wasn't chidori at its strongest. It drove the two apart alright, but it didn't kill them. It just cooked them a little.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" Sasuke roared.

Itachi was laughing hysterically, while Naruto was crouched gagging, whiping his tongue, and sobbing at the appearance of his charred dress.

"I got you!" Itachi cried.

"I'm gonna kill you," Sasuke whispered, exposing his sharingan.

Suddenly a noise. *BOOM* Itachi died(literally). Gaara was on top of him, parts of his inner demon exposed, snarling and pounding.

"What the..." Sasuke's jaw dropped.

Gaara was screaming and stomping on Itachi. "NOBODY STEALS MY COOKIE!" (Somebody needs a Snickers.)

"But what about my revenge?! I was supposed to kill him!" Sasuke cried. Tears were streaming down Uchiha's face.

"It's okay!" Orochiamaru comforted. Sasuke looked at him.

"Mommy?" he asked.

"Yes?" Orochimaru replied.

"Could you revive Itachi?"

"Fine... But next time you eat your Halloween candy, you gotta share some with me."

"Fine." Sasuke stuck his bottom lip out in a pout as Orochimaru somehow revived Itachi.

"Get in the box," Orochimaru told Gaara.

"What?" Gaara snarled.

"There's cookies in there."

Gaara's face lit up and he jumped into a giant cardboard box.

"Time to ship you to China!" Orochimaru grinned.

"Where am I?" Itachi moaned.

Deidara liked forcing food on others. "EAT IT!" he screeched.

Itachi didn't have time to react. Cinnamon buns were jammed into his cheeks.


	3. I'm Lovin It

"KA-BU-TO!" Orochimaru was bolted to the floor screaming in rage. His body was somewhat... Extended, if that's the right word for it. "LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Lord Orochimaru, you cannot possibly go after Sasuke in your current state. He won't want you anymore, the way you look," Kabuto explained as calm as ever.

"Shut up you fool. It is not Sasuke I want," Orochimaru spat between breaths.

Kabuto grinned. "Of course not. Sorry, my lord."

"MCDONALD'S!" Orochimaru wailed in the same bloodcurdling scream as Gaara's 'My blood'.

"But you _know _McDonald's is closed at this time of night."

"I DON'T CARE! Do whatever you have to. Just get me a Big Mac NOW!"

Kabuto sighed. "As I have been through medical training, I would highly advise against eating any more McDonald's for awhile. Look at yourself, you can't even fight. Would you like to destroy your poor vessel with a heart attack?"

"Shut up and just go get my food!"

"But they aren't open!"

"Then go on a McDonald's food raid! Break in!"

Kabuto was defeated. "Fine," he sighed, "what would you like?"

"Three Big Macs, four milkshakes, a six piece box of McNuggets and a large fry!"

"But I don't even know how to cook all that stuff!"

"Then take Kimimaro with you; he knows how to cook."

"Uhm..." There was a long silence. Finally Kabuto broke it. "I'll just be... Leaving now..." And so he slowly backed out of the room.

Meanwhile...

Naruto Uzumaki was leaning over Kakashi Hatake at one in the morning. The sensai was fast asleep in his bed, and snoring a bit too(with his mask on, still. How frustrating). In his arm was one of his perverted books, which he had fallen asleep reading. Naruto couldn't remember how he'd gotten into Kakashi's house, but he did know his mission: to create beautiful works of Sharpie art on the sleeping man's forehead. He leaned close to Kakashi in order to mark with the Sharpie.

"No... I'm alone..." Kakashi was moaning eerily in his sleep.

Naruto took no notice.

"OBITO!" Kakashi sleep-screamed, reaching up grabbing Naruto, pulling him into bed with him.

_Why does this always happen to me._ Naruto thought, totally unamused. He pulled away from Kakashi and substituted his body for a nearby trash can. Which was hopefully empty. Or not. You know, either way.

"Don't leave me Iruka. SAKURA! NO! Get back here, Sasuke. Bad boy! Bad, bad boy!" Okay, Kakashi, maybe you shouldn't read before bed. Naruto slowly walked out of the room. He _was _going to work on Jiraiyah's face too, but maybe not anymore...


	4. Sasori Whatever

Jiraiya's gaze penetrated Naruto's skull. "Go buy be some potato chips and some canned helium," he ordered.

"What?! I don't have time to do all your grocery shopping, old man!"

"Just shut up and do as I say."

"I'm not a little kid anymore!"

"Just do it.." Jiraiya snarled.

"But- but-"

"NO BUTS!"

"I _need _Sasori in order for me to do your shopping!"

"Sasori?"

"Well, yeah. I hurt my ankle." Naruto waved his foot in the air while cringing. Then he fell backwards. "Ow!"

The sage rollled his eyes. "Whatever. Just get it done. Meet me here in two hours." With that, Jiraiya walked away.

Naruto didn't like being left lying in the street. He couldn't walk around with his hurt ankle. Therefore Sasori _must _carry him! "SASORI!" he wailed.

It was a true coincidence that Sasori just happened to be walking by. Well, not really, I guess.

_"What _Naruto?" he growled.

"Take me to the grocery store, I can't walk!"

Sasori gulped. "You mean carry you?"

"Yeah! I could piggyback you!" Naruto exclaimed.

The Akatsuki member groaned. "Can't you ask someone else? I saw Lee down walk by a few minutes ago..."

Naruto's bottom eyelid twitched. "But Sasori, it _must _be a person with RED HAIR!"

o_o "What's that got anything to do with it?!"

"BECAUSEEEE PEOPLE WITH RED HAIR ARE BARIBIESSS!"

"You mean like Orochimaru?"

Naruto facepalmed. "You'll never understand."

Sasori sighed. "Then why can't you just ask Gaara?"

"Because he's already taken!" Naruto wailed, pointing the street. Gaara was walking with Sasuke on his back. Sasuke turned around and stuck his tongue out at Naruto.

"Look Naruto, I just don't have time for this, I'm sorry. I'm on my way to meet my girlfriend at the coffee shop."

"Lemme guess!" Naruto grinned. "Ino? Konan? Hinata? Tayuya? Deidara?! Is is Deidara?!"

Sasori snarled. "No, NO, no, no, and NOOO!"

Naruto was laughing.

"You know I'm not like that," Sasori hissed. "No matter how girly Deidara may seem.." he added under his breath.

"Then WHO?"

"I'm not telling." Sarori folded his arms.

Naruto stuck out his bottom lip. "Fine."

"Good-_bye_." Sasori turned to walk away.

Naruto started crying. "Carry meee!"

Sasori kept walking.

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE!"

Sasori kept walking.

After much more crying and moaning and screaming, Naruto gave up. He curled up in a little ball and cried into his knees. Suddenly someone tripped over him. "Uh?" the boy looked up, his face tear-stained.

"Naruto! What's the matter with you? Don't you know you shouldn't be laying out here like this?!" Iruka-sensai snapped, glaring down at Uzumaki.

"Oh hey there... Whuzzahuh? Iya ya, I know youuu..." Naruto appeared to be drunk. I don't know why.

"Are you okay?" Iruka looked concerned.

"Y-you're dddolphin mann! Dolphinsssss are cute... But I'm more into fishies..."

"What?"

Suddenly Naruto sat bolt upright. "You know who can help you with this?! T-the p-pervy sage... Yeah, him... go away now, can't you see I'm trying to rest? G'night kitty horse..." Naruto fell asleep.


	5. Believe It

_**READ:**__ This chapter is purely and truly random; more random than the others. That means nothing will fit together. At all. Ever so often I'll do a few of these for fun. Please don't criticize these chapters, they aren't meant to be good. There is no theme here. ;)_

* * *

"Get off Zetsu!" Sasuke screamed.

"Soorrryyyyy, I didn't mean to fall on youuuuuuuu..."

...

"HAKU, I SAID BELGIAN WAFFLES! THESE ARE FREAKING EGGO'S!"

"S-s-sorry Zabuza... I have failed you..." *dies*

...

Kankuro: "I. AM. BATMAN."

...

"I saw something strange today!"

"What Itachi?!" gasped Pain.

"YOUR FACE."

D:

...

"Please Itachi, could you not do that, un?"

"Why Deidara?" *fluffs Deidara's ponytail*

...

"C'mere, Naruto."

"Huh?" Naruto walked towards Sakura.

"CHA!" Sakura stuffed twizzlers into his face. "EAT IT!"

...

Kiba: "GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA GAARA!"

Gaara: "It's pronounced _Gaara._"

...

"Hidan, have you seen Tobi?"

"No Konan, why?"

"No reason." *Tobi is drunk at party eating animal crackers*

...

"And why are we dressed like chickens again, Sai?"

"SHUT UP NARUTO! YOU'RE GONNA BLOW OUR COVER!"

...

"Rice chex, wheat chex, corn chex..." Kabuto was saying.

"HONEY NUT SCOOTERS!" Kisame screamed.

Kabuto: o.O

...

"Dun dun dunnn!" Ino and Choji squealed in unison.

...

"Kabuto, hand me your glasses.."

"Here, lord Orochimaru." *hands glasses*

*puts them on* "HEY EVERYBODY! My name's Kabuto and I'm a NERD!" *runs around screaming and throwing books about medical crap*

...

"Shut up, old man," Kakashi growled.

"Why should I?" Jiraiya growled back.

"I... Don't know, actually."

...

"How dare you eat my Cheetos, Sasori?"

"Sorry Temari."

"YOU'D BETTER BE!" *shuriken hurricane on Sasori*

...

Naruto stared down at a bunch of rocks sitting in a circle. "Heyyy, how come none of you guys invited me to the party?" he whined.

...

Kakashi: "Now why are you guys in my closet again...?"

Itachi: "It's... fun?"

Obito: "Yeah, what he said!"

Kakashi: *slowly closes door and walks away*

...

Kabuto: "HIDANNNN! GIVE ME BACK MY PINK LIPSTICK!"

Hidan: *runs frantically while applying lipstick* "NEVER!"

...

"Kakazu, can I have a cookie?"

"FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME SASUKE, NO, NO YOU CAN'T."

"WHYYYYY?!" *curls up in ball crying into knees*


	6. Konan's Paper

"Pass the milk, please," Konan asked Zetsu. All of the Akatsuki were sitting around their breakfast table. Zetsu silently shoved the carton over to her and she refilled her glass.

"Hey, Sasori," Deidara whispered, nudging his friend and shooting a glance at Tobi.

"Hmm?" Sasori looked up from his cereal.

"Let's pull a prank on Tobi."

"Err, okay? What're we gonna do?"

"Well, I've been thinking..."

Konan stopped listening. She turned her attention to the rest of the table.

"Okay, so with the wood, nails and thread..." Kakuzu was saying. "How much would that be?"

"How am I supposed to know? I don't keep up with your stupid projects," Hidan snapped.

"Grrr. I don't want to overpay! Now help me crunch these numbers!"

"Let ME do it," Pein growled. "Anyone got a paper I could use?"

Konan knew what she had to do. Deep, deep in her heart there was a crying out to give Pein her paper. That one special paper that had been her only true friend for so long. It must be done. Tears filled her eyes as she reached into her pocket and felt around for it. When her fingers found and slid across that crumpled, paper surface, she pulled her beloved belonging out of the pocket. She ran her fingers up and down every single crease and crumple, savoring and remembering the feel. Then, Konan did something unexpected. She tore the paper. That horrid, sheer tearing sound was like a white noise to her. Slowly, with tears streaming down her face, she handed one half of it to Pein. She then folded the other half, ever so carefully, and gently placed it back into her pocket. The emotional trauma that she was experiencing right now was tremendous.

Pein snatched the paper from her. "WHAT IS THIS?! TOILET PAPER?!"


End file.
